


I'm not moving on, I'll love you long after you're gone

by Miyukitty



Series: Xander Laslow Week 2016 [4]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Character Study, Confessions, Drunken Kissing, First Love, Hair Kink, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest, Sharing a Bed, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Xanlow Week 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 09:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8157944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyukitty/pseuds/Miyukitty
Summary: In his roundabout way, Laslow had prepared him for it, and truly, he deserved his happiness wherever it was he could find it. Laslow was his own man, free to make his own decisions.Somehow, despite knowing this day would come, Xander found himself emotionally compromised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Xanlow Week 2016 Day 4: return 
> 
> post-conquest, endgame spoilers including brief mentions of character death, character study/introspection??? I like writing ENFP Laslow but I only just pinned down Xander as ISTJ so I rly wanted to write Xander pov for this. his supports give me so many feelings so welcome back to my predictable brand of slow pining and eventual smooches and don't worry it's not exactly what the title implies. ~~i sure used a lot of my favorite tropes all in one fic lol enjoy~~

 

Xander was seated in the place of honor at the head of the table, hands folded neatly on his lap. He held his head high despite the late hour and the burden of his new crown.

 

It was a night to let go of troubles, and to celebrate the peace and freedom they had fought for and won. The post-coronation merriment carried on long after the stars came out, illuminating the castle walls in a silvery glow. The decadent tables were overflowing with the finest food and drink the Nohrian royal kitchens could prepare, and still the twin maids wheeled out cart after cart laden with desserts and fine wines. Musicians played their hearts out as the victorious warriors danced all over the moonlit courtyard.

 

Xander let his gaze wander over his subjects, seeking a familiar crop of ashen hair, but he did not spy Laslow among the sea of dancers nor sampling the assorted pastries Peri provided. He was distracted by the scene Elise was making, shepherded unwillingly off the dance floor by Corrin and Camilla, and hummed in quiet approval. He had been about to remind his youngest sister of her curfew himself.

 

He hoped his siblings were all enjoying themselves while they could. The music was too loud for his tastes, and he'd already eaten more than his share of the feast. He graciously decided to turn a blind eye toward Niles, who was plying Leo with one too many tankards of ale than the prince required to loosen up, and instead excused himself in favor of a stroll around the rose gardens.

 

The air was refreshingly cool and redolent with the fragrance of rose petals. Xander paid little heed to the nocturnal blooms as he walked, nor the crunch of gravel beneath his boots, or the picturesque starry sky, instead retreating inside his mind. It was impossible for a man as practical as Xander to not use this downtime to plan ahead.

 

Achieving lasting peace meant more than just signing a ceasefire treaty after Garon's demise. He knew full well that the coming days would be rocky at best. A long period of recuperation was ahead of them: rebuilding the crippled Nohrian army under his inexperienced reign, negotiating official terms of alliance with Queen Hinoka, assisting with reparations to Hoshido, Nestra, the Ice Tribe, and all those who suffered under Nohr's old regime, and properly mourning those who gave their lives to the war effort.

 

Xander paced aimlessly through the arches of the garden as he plotted out his course of action. There was only one priority higher than country, and that was family. That focus would carry him through the difficult days ahead. He would do everything in his newfound power to ensure that his family could live the lives they always wanted, in comfort and safety. Honestly, he could think of nothing he sought more than the happiness of his loved ones. It would finally be within his grasp.

 

His musing was interrupted by the sight of three figures lingering in the shadow of the gate, having a serious discussion in hushed tones. Not wishing to intrude on a private conversation, Xander started to turn back, but the familiar timbre of one of the voices gave him pause.

 

One of the figures took a step back, causing the moonlight to cast his fluffy hair a pale silver-grey. _Laslow_.

 

A heavy weight settled in Xander's chest. He blinked slowly as he committed the sight to memory. Laslow's companions were fellow retainers Odin and Selena, and they did not appear to be partaking in the celebration. He could not hear what they were saying from this distance, but he did not need to.

 

"Ah," Xander exhaled knowingly. This, too, he had accounted for.

 

In his roundabout way, Laslow had prepared him for it, and truly, he deserved his happiness wherever it was he could find it. Laslow was his own man, free to make his own decisions.

 

Xander finally turned away, not wishing to be noticed, because that would make the departure all the more difficult. But the king found he had no desire to return to the party, either. He wasn't entirely certain how to handle himself in this discomfited state.

 

His fingers rose wonderingly to his throat. His skin felt normal to the touch, but he swore he could feel his windpipe tightening, restricting his breathing. He had not accounted for the dull ache growing steadily in his ribcage, building pressure in his chest cavity.

 

Somehow, despite knowing this day would come, Xander found himself emotionally compromised.

 

* * *

 

 

His crown hung on the wall, boots arranged neatly by the door. The bottle of wine he was uncorking at his desk was an expensive gift from the coronation that he intended to save for a special occasion. His cat curled in his lap with a comforting purr as Xander poured out a glass. He pet her with one hand, and swirled the burgundy drink idly with the other.

 

He was not someone to dwell on regrets – he would rather continue moving forward on the path he'd chosen. But there was no action he could think to take that would bring him peace of mind over Laslow's absence. All that mattered was that Laslow lived on, not whether he chose to make that life in Nohr. The war ended with Laslow mercifully alive, but with each hour that passed, Xander's heart continued to sink. 

 

He was hardly numb to emotion, despite the aloof persona he maintained for the sake of his position. As he drank, he thought of his past retainers, of his mother, and how he had mourned them by pouring himself into overcoming the weaknesses that cost them their lives. He was the man he was today because of them, and he was ever grateful to have had them, however brief their time was. He would never forget the way his world crumbled beneath his feet when he saw what became of Garon, but even that horror was mitigated by the dull grief of accepting he'd lost his real father long ago.

 

This feeling, however, he did not have a precedent for. It was confusing. Selfishly, possessively, he did not want to face the endeavors of kingship without Laslow's smile to brighten his day. He had never before yearned for companionship, but he had fallen prey to an aching sort of loneliness that settled deep in his bones, draining him, leaving him longing and hollow.

 

He had not predicted it would hurt this much to let Laslow go.

 

The wine left a trail of pleasant warmth in its wake, but when the burn faded, it left him colder than before. When he reached the bottom of the bottle, Xander realized numbly that the sky was lighter than it had been when he started. The music from the courtyard had fallen silent in favor of birdsong. The cat had wandered off at some point to sleep on the bed – where he should have been as well, as a responsible monarch with duties to attend to in the morning.

 

He rose from his chair and stumbled, unexpectedly weak in the knees. How unbecoming for a man of his station. His limbs were heavy and sluggish to respond. He needed to sleep off the wine, Xander decided drowsily. That would be his best option.

 

He made it two wobbly steps before the door to his room abruptly burst open. The cat hissed and scrambled to hide under the bed. Xander turned with a scowl, silently reproachful of whatever unlucky fool dared enter the king's bedchamber unannounced at this hour. He was hardly in the mood.

 

There, panting on his threshold with a runny nose and a face streaked with tears, stood Laslow.

 

"What," Xander stated with the most eloquence he could muster.

 

He blinked. Laslow's lip quivered, red-rimmed eyes welling over anew as they stared at each other.

 

"L... Lord Xander," Laslow stammered.

 

Xander's heart stuttered over a beat. This was real.

 

Without a word of warning, the mercenary rushed forward and threw his arms around Xander. Xander's untrustworthy legs buckled, and they both toppled over onto the mattress.

 

Laslow grasped needy fistfuls of Xander's tunic and buried his face deep in his chest. He wrapped an arm around Laslow's slender waist and pulled him close, sharing his warmth, feeling his racing heartbeat against his chest. Laslow showed no signs of bodily injury, but his shoulders shook with every painful sob as though he could scarcely breathe. He had always been a sensitive man, equal parts emotional and tactile, but he was more distraught now than Xander had ever seen him and he hadn't even said why.

 

Dazed, Xander began stroking his hair, knowing from experience with his panic spells that this would calm him eventually. It was strange (and perhaps selfish of him given the circumstances, Xander noted detachedly,) that he could be so relieved to have Laslow in his arms again. He lay still and listened to Laslow's ragged breathing steady as he cried himself out.

 

The slow, sinking heartache from earlier had dissipated as though it had never hurt at all. He felt unusually light, drifting high on the scent of rose petals in Laslow's hair.

 

Slowly, finally, something clicked into place.

 

 _I love this man_ , Xander realized, and the contentedness of acceptance settled over him.

 

  _I never expected to fall in love.  
_

 

* * *

 

He could not determine how long they simply lay tangled up in each other. He knew he had duties to attend to by now. He had already turned away a servant's knock at the door, citing his need for rest after yesterday's festivities. It wasn't untrue. He felt himself slipping into slumber by the time Laslow stirred and raised his puffy face.

 

"I… couldn't do it," Laslow whispered, broken.

 

Xander blinked owlishly, dragging his hazy thoughts back to the present with difficulty as Laslow spoke.

 

"I was ready to go back. Truly I was, and I miss my homeland dearly, but I… S-Selena and Odin, they… they both told me they knew already. Said it was written all over my face, that I… That I'd stay behind. That it was all right if I did. They understood. But I wouldn't get another chance, so I'd better not regret it."

 

Xander's fingers still carded through Laslow's hair, the repetition soothing them both. Laslow nuzzled into his caress, and closed his eyes.

 

"I must admit I was prepared to never see you again," Xander murmured. He felt a twinge of guilt over Camilla and Leo, knowing they really had said farewell to their retainers, and made a mental note to check in on his siblings later.

 

_I never expected you would come back to me. Will you truly live with no regrets?_

 

"I'm such a sentimental fool. I miss them already, but I couldn't stop thinking about you, milord," Laslow blurted, blinking too rapidly. The dim lighting made it difficult to see, but Xander could imagine the familiar blush creeping across Laslow's countenance as he babbled.

 

"There's so much I never told you, and – I'm still not ready to talk about all of it, I'm sorry, but I swear on my life I'll tell you everything when I can. I've traveled many lands, too many for one lifetime, but I belong here, w-with you, my king, if… if you'll still keep me as your faithful retainer, and cherished friend."

 

"Is that truly what we are?" Xander questioned aloud.

 

"Milord?"

 

Xander slid his knuckles down Laslow's cheek, wiping away the dampness of his tears. His fingers came to rest lightly under Laslow's chin. It was oddly natural to share his space, his bed, his heat with another body, though he'd never had a propensity for such dalliances in the past. Even as a child, his siblings had not been allowed to sleep with him. He always made exceptions for Laslow.

 

"I must confess, I wish for you to call me by my name. No titles, no honorifics. I would have you at my side, not as a king and his vassal, but as equals. I have never yearned for an equal before you," Xander murmured.

 

Laslow trembled against him. Xander leaned forward to press their foreheads together, and was emboldened when Laslow leaned into his touch with a shaky exhale, eyes fluttering closed.

 

He wondered if the wine loosened his tongue, making it easier for the words to fall freely. Perhaps a dam had crumbled in his chest and released this overwhelming flood after the shock of separation. It was beyond his control, somehow – now that he'd begun, he could not stop. Nor did he want to, not when Laslow needed reassurance for his choice, and Xander had nothing holding him back anymore.

 

"I desire to usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for Nohr, but in every future I envision, you are standing with me. Forgive me, but I cannot help but feel our relationship has already transcended that of retainership, given our current position."

 

They were curled into each other so closely that they shared each others' breath. Xander's arm was slung limp around his waist, pinning him into the mattress. Laslow's knee was tucked between Xander's thighs, hands slipped underneath the warmth of his tunic to press against bare skin, burning face nuzzling into Xander's cheek. What he found strangest that he did not find this strange at all.

 

Laslow let out a nervous titter, muffled against Xander's neck. "You may have a point there. Are… Forgive me, but are you perchance inebriated, sir? There's wine on your breath, you're being unusually physical without reprimanding me, and this… this sounds rather like a p-proposal."

 

"I assure you my judgment has not been clouded. I let you go, and I learned it was more than I could bear. The drink did little to comfort me, I'm afraid," Xander whispered. "I will be forever grateful that you made the choice to return to me. From this day forward I shall endeavor to keep you, always."

 

The mattress creaked in protest as he rolled over. Xander's arms came to rest on either side of Laslow's face. As Xander leaned in, his blond ringlets spilled forward to brush Laslow's heated cheeks. He settled his weight slowly atop Laslow, whose voice shot up into a squeak of surprise.

 

"Milord!"

 

"Not 'milord', Laslow. I asked you to call me by name. At least when it is only the two of us," Xander corrected gently, lips close to Laslow's ear.

 

A beat of silence stretched between them. Laslow squirmed slightly beneath Xander's bulk, flustered but not complaining. His legs shifted between Xander's, knees drawing up shyly toward his body. Laslow's fingers crept up the expanse of his back, holding on tentatively at first, as Xander waited with unending patience.

 

Xander ran his hand through Laslow's hair again, both to ease Laslow's nerves and to satisfy his own fondness for the featheriness against his fingertips. His thoughts grew hazy and disjointed as he inhaled a deep whiff of Laslow's floral scent. His fingers dragged deeper, stroking his scalp, and Laslow let out a low hum as the tension ebbed out of his supine posture.

 

"Ah, _Xander_ ," he finally sighed, melting into the firm touch. 

 

A low noise of pleasure rumbled in Xander's throat. He found it difficult to concentrate as all of his senses drowned in Laslow, impossibly beautiful Laslow. He wanted to hear his name in that husky voice again. 

 

Laslow whispered breathlessly, "Please, I… I want that as well. Only if you'll grant me the same wish. If you'll call me by name when it's only us. There isn't a soul in Nohr that knows it now. Let me share it with you."

 

"By what name do I call you?" Xander asked.

 

He buried his face into the crook of Laslow's neck, and pressed a gentle kiss to his collarbone. Laslow whimpered, rocking his hips upward needily. Xander pinned Laslow by the shoulders, pressing him deeper into the mattress until he could feel both their heartbeats pulsing through him at once. 

 

_I did not know until tonight I was capable of falling in love with anyone, but I adore you, Laslow. Allow me to show you._

 

Laslow shivered, grip tightening on Xander's back. He tipped his head back into the pillows, baring the curve of his throat as Xander kissed slowly and deliberately along his skin.

 

 "…Call me Inigo."

 

**Author's Note:**

> ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ feel free to yell at me on twitter @magepaw
> 
> headcanon rambles: xander is unused to physical intimacy bc of how he was raised, but he actually craves it and just doesn't know how to ask. camilla and elise give lots of hugs to try and compensate and he appreciates the human contact, but he's still awkward and repressed and doesn't really know how to initiate anything himself. (he and leo are awkward penguins together) 
> 
> and he has no interest in dating or sex before he meets laslow so he never experiments, either. nohr's pretty open-minded about things like open relationships (garon) and same-sex couples (niles) so xander's not exactly biased against it, he's just demi or grey-romantic and also too busy for such frivolity. 
> 
> laslow is way more tactile than anyone outside of family has been with him and from the beginning there's way more casual touching than xander's used to, but he doesn't discourage it bc it's actually kind of nice? if unprofessional? so it takes him a really long time to realize "oh, i would like to kiss him actually" instead of just making lots of excuses for socially acceptable ways to touch him back. laslow gets so flustery but has dated before actually and just stresses all the time "is he straight or gay, does he know i'm into him, he is my boss". 
> 
> everyone in the world thinks they're together before they think they're together. once they are officially, they're the PDA couple who forget there are other ppl in the room bc they're just so wrapped up in each other. they get teased a lot, for like, holding hands 


End file.
